Steve’s brought a boat, he’s got grand ideas of us going sailing together, even booked us into lessons! So I’m going to be proficient in my part 1 and 2 sailing apparently (the name of my prospective qualification escapes me, I’m sorry Steve of course I was listening).
Don’t get me wrong It’s a wonderful idea. But has he met me? My interests are right here ! Sat on my arse crocheting.
No he’s right a hobby we can do together is a great
idea.
It’s just it feels slightly ambitious, I can’t
imagine being able to jump in it and sail off across the high seas to find
lovely little coves where we can anchor up and swim and soak up the sun, which
is his idyllic vision.
For starters I can’t take my crochet, and also my
kindle is out the question so I’m going to have to have a paperback to hand
which is always a problem when I’m already half way through something on my
kindle.
Can I even make a cup of tea o this boat ? I think
you may be picking up on the fact that I don’t actually plan to be doing much
of the actual sailing of the boat which begs the question why I need to learn ?
AND it has what can only be described as a bucket
for a toilet, no matter how you try to sugar coat it, it’s basically a bucket,
so the odds I’m going to have to shit in a bucket at some point are pretty
high.
Again I’m thinking of my nice comfy sofa and a
toilet to hand. Even when we go motor-homing
I don’t have to face such indignities.
I have questioned why I need to learn, can I not
just enjoy sitting ? He knows I don’t care for driving and prefer to be the
passenger, I can imagine this is going to be a similar scenario.
But I am told I need to know the basics at least,
just incase something happens to him and I have to get us back to shore.
What a comforting thought!
Let’s hope whatever happens he’s still conscious because my sense of direction is terrible and I should imagine in open water it’s going to be pretty next to none. Does he really think there’s much chance I could get us back? We’re doomed honey if I’m left at the tiller ( again I have no clue what the boat parts are called despite been given a detailed lesson one night, using a little wooden boat that we have in the bathroom purchased from the range as a learning aid while I was having a bath) apparently I will have to memories thus parts. There is also mention of compass and radio lessons too? I’m presuming it’s not a radio I’m going to be able to listen to Dermot Kennedy on?
Clearly if your reading this Steve you know I’m being slightly facetious. But can I remind you that my last experience of sailing didn’t go down well. Yes I was at middle school, and yes I lied and borrowed my friends swimming costume with her red and blue badge sewn on to prove I could actually swim. And yes I realise now a weeks sailing at Chasewater wasn’t the best plan when you can’t actually swim a stroke and you have to hide how terrified you are of capsizing the whole week ! Which incidentally we were the only boat that didn’t, not once ! But we did get stranded in the middle of the lake grounded on a sand bank or something and not able to get back, because all of us in the boat on that particular day were clearly not the best at sailing and not one of us had the ability to get us back. I remember there was a chalk board and in the morning you would turn up and see the name of each boat and who was in it sailing together. I can still remember the feeling in the pit of my stomach when I read that board. It was pretty much like ball games, you don’t get picked to play on anyone’s team if your no good with a ball, sailing clearly had a similar etiquette, they would always lump the ones together in a boat with equal ability, you would think they would chuck one child in who had a decent grasp of sailing wouldn’t you? Give us a fighting chance, but oh no! What a sorry lot we were flagging behind with the sail trailing in the water most of the time while everyone was else was whizzing about the lake having fun. I think the fact we never capsized was a hand of fate it certainly was nothing to do with our sailing ability. And even with the life jacket on, if I had landed in that water I would of gone into complete panic. I spent the whole week terrified, literally, and the boats weren’t as big as the one Steve has brought, you had to hang over the side to balance the weight and the wind, and I remember thinking that water looks very deep! I think actually at quite a few times I would of welcomed that bucket!
So I can now swim, and I’m not afraid of landing in
the water, but I am afraid of what’s in it. Even bobbing along in the sea
safely I’m going to be a tad nervous of what’s underneath us. Clearly I’ve
watched too many jaws films. Steve laughs at me, he thinks I’m being
irrational, I’ll remind him of my irrational thinking next time he’s up high!
His fear of heights matches my fear of fish.
And it’s not just fish is it? There’s all sorts of
creatures lurking. And they always seem to find me and want to play!
I went jet skiing once in Mexico Justin was only young and sat on the back behind clinging on to me, we were going really fast having a great time until all of a sudden a dolphin jumped out the water right next to us! As he hit the water the wave he caused nearly flipped the jet ski over and we nearly came off. Let’s just say we made it back to shore in record time with this dolphin jumping about round us frolicking in our wake. Apparently the faster you go the more they like it because your making waves they think your playing ! People were pointing and cheering us on thinking we were enjoying ourselves ! I grounded the jet-ski on the sand at breakneck speed with some red face Mexican shouting at me I’ve no idea what he was saying and frankly didn’t care I just wanted out the water even though my rational brain knew we were in shallow water and the dolphin had clearly not followed us to the shore edge I was still in complete panic I was past rational thought, I think Justin was crying at this point I can’t really remember and I broke my toe in my haste to get off the bloody thing.
We went paddle boarding last week, I was very brave
I got in the water, tits deep. Trying not to dwell about what was swimming
around me. I actually stayed in for a good few hours, surprised myself really
because I don’t do cold and wet either! I’m a bit of a princess on that front.
But despite past experience and all my fears I was
actually having a good time. It was our first attempt at paddle boarding.
Neither of us managed to stand up for more than two seconds. My expectations
were met but Steve was wounded, he actually thought he would master it, he was
most upset and I have some very funny videos.
But anyway I will get to the point! The horror of the day! I had nipped back to the car at some point and left Steve in the sea and when I went back in Steve said he had seen a Seal. Of course I wasn’t thrilled by that information, he pointed it out and I could see it every now and again as it popped it’s head out the water . Now, I think in light of my dolphin experience that I was being very brave. I kept my eye on it and stayed in the water. I was determined not to be a baby and let it put me off. It was a distance away right? Seals are timid and don’t really like to get close to humans right? I was ok I was safe I could do this. What I hadn’t really thought through was that actually my eyesight isn’t the best now I’m in my dinosaur years and if I could see that seal bobbing about without my contacts in then he was actually closer than I realised !! So... I was on my belly on the board and Steve was pushing me, I was just starting to get uneasy because we seemed to be going into deeper water, and suddenly this seal popped up in from of me ! He had decided we were worth a closer look and he must of been about 20 meters away at a push! His head was huge ! This was no baby, not that that would of made a difference to me really because a seals a seal no matter what age it is, but it may of had the cute factor if it was young. Anyway let’s just say for the second time in my life I made a hasty retreat to the shore. No broken bones this time thankfully. Apparently in my haste when I jumped off, I pushed the board closer to the seal and Steve was attached to the board by his ankle so he got dragged slightly closer to it. No hard feelings hunny it wasn’t done intentionally. And he didn’t seem to mind, in fact he stayed out there with it, he said it seemed to be smiling! Probably having a jolly good laugh at the red haired human tear arsing for the shore I should imagine! I certainly didn’t stick around to see it’s expression so I’ll take Steve’s word for it! It didn’t stay close to Steve for long it soon disappeared, but needless to say that was my paddle boarding over for the day. I retreated to get dry and found solace in my crochet while Steve valiant persevered to stand up on the board for a while longer
I did google seal attacks on humans in bed that
night, I think I had PTSD, but I only found two and apparently the seals in
question were being inquisitive. That’s all right then, what’s a few teeth
marks among friends?.
XXXX
